The Garlic: Martin Too Fat for Game of Thrones Cameo

By Max Londberg on April 19, 2013

George Raymond Richard Martin, author of the series of novels that no one can remember the name of because HBO adapted the series for TV and named it “Game of Thrones” after the first book, and now everyone incorrectly calls the series of books “Game of Thrones,” is too overweight to make an appearance in Season 4 of “Game of Thrones.”

Martin told Wired that he was interested in making an appearance on the show, citing Season 4 as a target. This sparked a tweet by apparently bookish Los Angeles Laker Pau Gasol.

Courtesy of the_eggwhite and

“The great #GeorgeRRMartin will have a cameo in #GameofThrones!” Gasol tweeted. “I like that the father of this great story will be on the HBO series too!”

Gasol and the scores of others who were probably titillated to see a shot of Martin’s titties bouncing up and down will not be able to enjoy that image in Season 4.

“Forget about Season 4, he won’t appear in any season,” said executive producer David Benioff. “Unless he can lose some weight. Right now he’s just too fat.”

Martin is fatter than a bloated manatee. Wikipedia’s best guess is 235 pounds with a body mass index score of 33, qualifying Martin as technically obese and unofficially fat as f*ck—a stark contrast to his characters.

“The characters on this show are athletic, ripped, and all-around bad asses,” said Benioff. “Martin lacks all those essential characteristics. Plus he’s just so fat.”

Martin commented after being informed his frame is too flabby for TV.

“I created the characters,” Martin said from his favorite recliner, a Dos Equis in hand. “No one knows better than me that I’m living vicariously through those skinny bastard knights and maidens. I just really wanted to take it to the next level with TV.”

But Benioff and the other producers are adamant about keeping Martin behind the scenes and not in them.

“Georgie and I are friends,” Benioff said, “but it doesn’t take a friend to see how fat he is.”

Max is a senior journalism student at the University of Oregon. He likes books, astronomy and Kobe's footwork but loves to write. Follow him on Twitter @MaxLondberg

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