The World Without Sex (And Other Ideas)

By Max Londberg on March 18, 2013

When I sit down to write these blogs, it usually takes me at least twenty minutes to decide what the heck I’m going to write about. In that time, a series of incredibly absurd ideas pop into my head. Sometimes, an idea is so asinine I think it’s brilliant, until I realize that if I ever publish something so obscure, some may squirm from the strangeness.

Courtesy Flickr.com and chloe delong. Hey thanks!

Then again, whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stranger, so I’m going to suppress my fear of public ridicule and write about the absurd and occasionally pathetic ideas I get for blog topics. I have no explanation for the blog ideas that follow.

Title: Things I Wish Were Food
Pitch: After a witty and sarcastic intro about how there’s not enough variety of foodstuff in the world, I’d write a list of things I wish were food. The number one thing? A juicy rainbow. I’d love to grab that arc and turn its frown upside down, chomping into it like I would a slice of watermelon, the bombardment of flavors gushing my buds with the mixed nectar of all those colors.
Why it fails: That last sentence.

Title: Mock Interview with Knucklehead James Olmsted
Pitch: After summarizing the events that transpired last Thursday, I’d write a completely fictional interview between me and the knucklehead that caused them. I’d try to relay that he’s just a regular guy with a short fuse. For example, he eats at Denny’s just like us, but he goes bananas when they forget to put bananas on top of his banana waffles. I’d write all this knowing that Olmsted, an attorney, probably doesn’t eat at Denny’s.
Why it fails: Oh shoot, I already wrote that one.

Title: The World Without Sex
Pitch: This is a weird one (like all of them), but imagine for a moment what the world would be like without sex. I think it was Freud who said sex influences everything we do. Everything. So what would we do without it? The blog would focus on the things that would cease to exist, such as fashion, bars, obviously the porn industry, and Kinko’s.
Why it fails: Actually I think I just successfully pitched it to myself.

Title:
Pitch: That’s not a typo. The title is “                 .” Nothingness, unknown as dark energy, zero in the denominator. It would be the first article of its kind. I envision headlines being written about my headline-less blog: “Revolutionary Journo Doesn’t Write What You’re Reading” and other catchy titles of a similar nature.
Why it fails: The body of the text would also be nothingness because what better symmetry is there for an empty title than a body-less blog? The problem is WordPress won’t let me hit the Publish button unless I write something. I’m sick of technology stifling my creativity.

Title: A Water Molecule’s Journey
Pitch: A first-person narrative from the perspective of a water molecule. I would share its neat journey from body of water to cloud to mountaintop to flowing river. This would be educational and weird as the word shtick.
Why it fails: It’s educational and weird as (a word very similar to shtick).

Please comment with your favorite of these gems. If a fair amount of people comment, I’ll fully write the blog that receives the most votes.

Max is a senior journalism student at the University of Oregon. He likes books, astronomy and Kobe's footwork but loves to write. Follow him on Twitter @MaxLondberg

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