Sexting for Sex's Sake

By Max Londberg on March 4, 2013

I’m not big on sexting. In some cases, I find it almost cowardly. If you don’t have the cajones to talk a big game when you’re with a girl, why would you snap a pic of your cajones to show just how small they are?

I feel this way because a close relative did just that to a close friend of mine. My friend, who didn’t expect pictures when she gave her number to him at a bar, also received regular dirty as dishes sext messages. When she told me about him and his fondness for one-way sexting, I was nearly struck dead–this close relative of mine, you see, has a girlfriend, so the fact that he was sexting meant he wasn’t merely dirty, he was a rotten scoundrel too.

I immediately lost all respect for him and his taking pathetic pleasure in plastering my friend’s phone with pictures of his penis, all the while presumably painting himself as a princely catch for his girlfriend Pam (name changed).

So in lieu of my relative’s monumental gaffe in the sexting department, here are my dos and don’ts for titillating your partner without being in the same room. There’s nothing wrong with sexting for sex’s sake, but there are wrong ways to do it.

Courtesy of Lies Through a Lens and Flickr.com

Don’t: Send a picture of any skin the day after getting someone’s number. If you do, the person will likely think you’re easy, or worse, a slut.
Do: Send a picture if your partner has explicitly (visually or verbally) let you know it’s fair game. However, the picture should be classy enough that you don’t reveal yourself completely, but risque enough to make a heart race in anticipation.

Don’t: Talk dirtier than you could reasonably do in person. You don’t want to give the wrong impression and then let the other person down when they find out you’re about as freaky as a priest. (Which, come to think of it, may be a poor point.)
Do: Attempt to instill some excitement in your partner for your next meeting. If it’s past 9 p.m. and the conversation is getting cold, warm it up by saying how sore your neck is, and how you wish you could have a massage, perhaps without your shirt on, and see where that teaser takes you.

Don’t: Sext other people when you’re already going steady with someone. (Ahem, pathetic relative who I’m happy to announce is not related to me by blood). I don’t care if you don’t plan to ever do anything but sext them. Would you want your partner sexting another person? No! you damn barbarian.
Do: Sext if you haven’t seen your mate in a while. Spice things up a bit by building eagerness for the next time you see each other. If it’s been some time since you’ve swapped more than stories, chances are your partner is horny and will take pleasure in your sextuality.

Don’t: Save pictures of your partner. In the long run, nothing good comes of that.
Do: Ensure your partner erases all incriminating images of your own flesh. In the long run, nothing good comes from that either.

Don’t: Sext while in the same room, you weirdos.
Do: Sext so hotly that you can’t resist being in different rooms anymore.

Don’t: Show other people your virtual sexcapades. It’s very off-putting. If you think it shows how cool you are, you’re horribly mistaken. Remember that (almost) everyone in the world has sex at some point, so if you’re doing it, you’re about as unique as a Honda Civic.
Do: Use something from your sexting conversation to get the ball rolling when you’re with your partner again. For example, ask about that time they revealed that thing they wanted to try, and use that as a launching point for some steamy dialogue. If you’re in a car, don’t be alarmed when you suddenly can’t see through the windows.

Now before you start getting sextual, feel free to comment with the freakiest sext you ever received. Don’t be shy, ya freaks.

Max is a senior journalism student at the University of Oregon. He likes books, astronomy and Kobe's footwork but loves to write. Follow him on Twitter @MaxLondberg

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