The Most Disturbing Christmas Songs

By Erin Lin on December 8, 2014

You’re walking in a department store and it hits you. The good old Christmas music that signals to everyone that December 25 is coming around the corner and you better start buying a bunch of stuff for your loved ones before it’s too late. (It’s a business tactic, I swear).

Some people love it and smile ’cause it’s just like the angels singing a beautiful melody into your ear and others get incredibly annoyed that Nat King Cole, The Chipmunks and Bing Crosby are ambushing them everywhere they go.

Regardless of whether or not you like Christmas music, can we just stop and talk about the really really really disturbing Christmas music that we have floating around in holiday playlists? And can we just address how incredibly scarring and weird and uncomfortable it is that we have these as holiday classics?!?!

http://funnycreepy.blogspot.com/2012/12/creepy-santa-zombie-snowmen.html

1. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

Need I say more? For those who have heard this song, the little kid says he goes downstairs and sees his mom “kiss” and then “tickle” Santa Claus. I don’t know what’s more terrifying. The fact that you see your mom getting all PDA on someone who’s old as heck or getting all sexual with someone who ain’t yo daddy.

Granted some people say that it’s his dad disguised as Santa, but they never let you know that! It might have made things a little bit better if they sneak in a, “oh by the way, Santa is not cheating on Mrs. Claus because it was just my dad trying to get all frisky with my mom before Christmas.” Maybe it’s implied, but, this kid is growing up with a traumatic childhood memory. Can you imagine what he says to his psychiatrist at age 45?

And let’s not get into the mom’s motives for being all hanky panky with jolly old St. Nick. Hopefully it was not because she was aiming for some free gifts for tickling his beard, if you know what I mean.

Ugh. Nasty.

http://www.babble.com/mom/7-holiday-no-nos/

2. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

Guys. Let’s take our time to analyze what is actually going on here.

She’d been drinking too much eggnog,
And we’d begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication,
And she staggered out the door into the snow.

First off, why in all that is good and holy in this world would you let some 80 year old woman drown herself in eggnog and then forget to take her meds? Is it for her high blood pressure, cholesterol, back pain or dementia? Does it matter? And you let her go?! You chase that woman down and tie her in a chair or whatever it is you have to do to keep her safe and not high on sugar in the dark.

Even college kids know you take care of someone who is clearly intoxicated. Not on eggnog though…right?

When they found her Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminating Claus marks on her back.

Again. You waited till the next day to find her?! What is wrong with you people? And most importantly, is she…you know…alive???

http://assiduities4.rssing.com/chan-3535962/all_p18.html

Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa,
He’s been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.

Taking it too well, don’t you think? If I had to guess and place a hundred dollars on the suspect for Grams’ death…I’d be looking right at you, Gramps.

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family’s dressed in black.
And we just can’t help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back? 

SHE DIED?!

It’s been more than halfway through the song. You could have said that a little bit earlier don’t you think? Is it not important? Well, obviously it isn’t since you’re debating on what to do with her presents. Seriously? You are an awful bunch of people.

3. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

She’s obviously saying no, but you’re clearly not getting that are you? Didn’t they teach you in sex ed that you need consent?

Also, let’s just mention that one little part where she goes, “say what’s in this drink?” Did you really have to drug her or maybe give her a whole lot of alcohol just to get her to stay? Low blow, man, low blow.

And then he replies with “no cabs to be had out there.” You are the definition of creepy. The lady just asked you what you put in her drink and you literally say, “you can’t escape…ever.”

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vqk33

4. “Santa Claus is Watching You”

The guy who wrote this song (Ray Stevens) has issues.

Well you may think you can sneak around
And get away with something but there ain’t no way
‘Cause Santa’s no fool, he’s really super cool
He’s the secret head of the CIA
Eesh, lish, crime don’t pay
You can’t do nothin’ ’cause you’re never alone
He’s even got a wire tap on your phone

Basically, he’s telling his girlfriend or wife or whatever that they better give him some “good lovin’ every night” or Santa will come and find them. Again, what is with these threats? Oh trust me, it gets worse.

http://lifestyleetc.com/5-reasons-why-santa-is-scary/

So where’s Rudolph
He’s on a stakeout at your house
You can run, you can hide, but you can’t get away
Got binoculars focused on you everyday

And okay, make Santa Claus a bad creepy old man. But Rudolph? Did you really have to turn a child’s favorite holiday character into a stalker? Um, you need to run. Run out of this bad relationship.

http://www.quickmeme.com/creepy-santa

5. “Santa Baby” (“Santa Buddy” – Michael Bublé)

We all know the “Santa Baby” song and we’ve already beaten the crap out of how disturbing it is. But did Michael Bublé really have to rewrite one just for guys? Anytime the word baby should have been sung it’s changed to “buddy,” “pal-ly” or “Papi.”

*shivers*

I mean sure, the changed lyrics work, but every time I think I’m suppose to hear baby or dear, I get the buddy and the dude. Which, kind of weirds me out.

http://weheartit.com/shivaniiipatel1

Thanks, Michael. Not.

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